Just a Job?

It's just a job
like any other
they said

And - boom!
that lie
chopped her down
dead

They laughed
as they hurt her
they came as she
bled

They wouldn't listen
when she said
No! please stop.
I'm scared.

Instead
They told her
she liked it
they fucked
with her head

They told her
that's where she
belonged -
on a bed

Her bruises
stayed hidden
Her dignity
shred

They caught her
and made her pay
worse
when she fled

She lived terror
and pain
a life spent
in dread
She died lonely
addicted
That's where
'just a job' led.

Paint Me a Picture

When you look at me, what do you see?
The pornographer paints you a picture:
My breasts, bare for your delight
My legs, spread wide to show I'm willing
My vagina, held open for your pleasure
My anus, lubed and ready
My mouth, painted red, lips parted slightly,
Teasing
Just waiting, all waiting,
To be fulfilled, to serve you,
To serve your cock.

Do you think you see the whole me?
(And I don't mean in the close ups)
Or do you just see the 'holes' in me?
He shows you my insides - the physical
But he doesn't want you to see my real insides:
That's hidden
Painted out.

Let me paint you another picture.

I am a human being
Who had hopes and dreams
With family, a history,
Who feels and thinks and eats and sleeps
and shits
Like any other.

Maybe you don't know me
But you can't afford to stay detached.
If I were your sister
or your mother
Would you treat me the same?
Could you treat me the same?
How would you feel knowing
other men made money from me
Made judgments on me
Put a price on me?
That other men buy my body
and wank over me
Perhaps that man in the street
Or that one?

I live with that every day.

Let me paint you a picture
A snapshot of my world
A day in my life
Unedited

Beneath the heavy makeup
Are dark circles around my eyes.
I don't sleep well at night
Knowing what lies ahead -
Another day undressing
and posing and pouting
and acting like I like this
want this
am this
On my hands and knees
Exposed
Degraded
As these men instruct me
Direct me
Push me
To ever more explicit, painful things.

Dignity
Humanity
Self respect
Long gone

The drink and drugs
The desperate need for cash
For a fix
Which traps me there
My self loathing
and the man who fuels it
Who beat me
and raped me
and sold me
and sold that picture of myself
to me:
A nothing
A set of holes
A stupid bitch
Who belongs here
and deserves nothing more
than your laughter
your contempt
your body fluids

Unpalatable truths
have no place in the picture
you choose to see.

They are my picture
My reason for being here
Always present
But concealed from you so easily
With your complicity
Beneath the makeup
Beneath the smile.

I see you, laughing at me
or commenting on my body
and wanking over me
There trapped in my two dimensional existence
You with your talk of rights and choices!
But do you see me?
Will you see me?
I will you to see me
The whole picture
And buy into his picture
The pornographer's picture
no more.

Harmless Fun

When you laugh
at a porno movie
or sneer over a woman
in a porno magazine
You laugh and sneer at me,
at my pain
at my exposure and nakedness
at my humiliation.

You laugh and sneer without knowing
who I am
where I come from
how I ended up here.

Maybe I'm smiling.
You don't see that I have to
don't see the man holding the camera
ordering me to do all sorts
or else
and I know what that means.

You weren't there to see me vomit before it started:
the camera wasn't rolling then
a toxic mixture of fear
degradation
and alcohol
tumbling from my mouth
and they had other uses for my mouth later.

You don't feel the sickening pain
of soft membranes
forced open
and fucked
and fucked
and fucked
by one man then another
and object after object
my tearing, my bruising
all hidden from your eyes.

You didn't sit with me when it was finished
and see me cry
and cry
endless waves of despairing
that it had come to this
that I had come to this
the self loathing
the drugs and alcohol that trapped me there
and Him.

You weren't beside me when he beat me
and battered me
and made me
and then picked me up and stroked my hair
and told me sorry
maybe things could be different
if only I would change.

A smile can hide a thousand secrets.
Money can buy a thousand lies.

When you buy her
you buy me
and you pay him.
Knowing what you're paying into -
now maybe that's not so funny

On Passivity

When you hit her, you hurt me,
because I feel her pain;
her suffering diminishes me.

When you buy her and use her,
you buy and use me;
because in lessening her value
you lessen my value too.

When you make her disposable,
you make me disposable;
dehumanising her
dehumanises me.

STOP

Look around.

We are all connected.
We are all human.
Whatever is allowed to be done to one
is permitted to be done to another.
Inactivity is collusion,
and political in itself.

Speaking as a Woman

Speaking as a woman
who drank and drugged
on happiness
on fear
to numb out every feeling
and emotion

Speaking as a woman
who became fragmented
so broken
and lost
she couldn't even answer
to her own name

Speaking as a woman
who sold herself
was sold
body and soul
to feed a hatred and addiction
beyond her control

Speaking as a woman
I say - enough.
No more.
I am a woman
and worthy of better things.