Friday, 8 August 2014

On Not Shutting the Fuck Up

There are people out there who would love me to shut the fuck up, to roll over and die, metaphorically or literally. The men who used me. The people who leave shitty comments on my blog telling me I'm mistaken about what happened to me. I'm not. And what they'd like to happen to me. Such narrow imaginations! And bad spelling.

I'm writing to wave a cheery finger to them and say that I'm still here, still hanging on in there. But it's tough. Life moves on, things change and I have more positives in my life than I could ever have imagined back then but I'm still dealing with the aftermath of being sold, being broken. I've been out 7 years, clean and sober 7 years, and it's still there. I feel like I'm leading a double life - outwardly respectable, unremarkable, inside still feeling like I should be crawling on my knees, sucking cocks, that in fact a part of me is still back there, trapped there, doing just that. Still dealing with the body pains, the splitting, the flashbacks, the inability to trust, the loneliness of not knowing how to communicate what it has meant to be me, a prostituted woman,  still means to be me:

locked in a room
taken places to have sex with stranger after stranger
put on a bed and a queue of men taking it in turns
always the threat of violence, worse violence
no place safe
day after day after day

That doesn't just melt away. I'd love to say I'm all fine and dandy but that wouldn't be true. One of the reasons that I continue to actively campaign for a better understanding of prostitution and pornography is that I know from first hand experience that this shit is tough - tough to go through, tough to get out of, and then tough to try and live with if you survive.

The gut wrenching realisation that no one's going to save me remains. Then, I needed help to get out. Now I need patience and understanding to sort this tangled head of mine out. I'm not easy to help, that much I do know! Trust issues, years of being hurt and PTSD symptoms can make me seem deliberately difficult - and cold. I don't do crying in front of people - people getting off on my pain kind of put me off that - so if I get hurt I withdraw. Any trust vanishes and I'm back at my mantra of 'let nothing out and nothing in' or 'I'm not really here, it's just a body, so it doesn't really touch me'. My old survival techniques keep me safe and keep me lonely.

I might be physically out of it but I can't deal with this shit on my own. Which is unfortunate as my PTSD affects my ability to talk - so I am kind of alone with this. Which is why I'm writing instead. And you know what? Just knowing that by surviving, by writing, by campaigning I am a thorn in the side of the men who used me, and people like them, is a great drive to survive. All that's needed for the triumph of evil is for the good person to do nothing. I'm still here, not shutting the fuck up.


  1. Nice to see you back. And no, don't shut the fuck up. xxx

  2. Hi there, is there any way I can contact you? I am trying to start up a campaign/petitition to irradicate sex trafficking, and was wondering whether you were trying to do something similar? I particularly want to focus on making peoples stories more public. Do you have an email address?
    Thanks so much,

  3. Hi Rach, yeah I do, it's or - sorry, I'm not sure which one! Be great to hear from you :-)
    Angel x

  4. Hi Angel, I'm a guy and I can relate to your feelings in a way.
    My thing is I'm religious and am waiting for marriage, but am not yet ready for it, anyways one stupid night, by chance, what happened was a woman gave me a blowjob in her car for $50. I'm feeling so shit about it, like shameful, and the feelings are worse now which is 6 months later. I've learnt that sex before marriage is not for me, and it is a no go zone for me. Luckily I havn't yet had vaginal sex. I'm trying to use self hypnosis to reduce my brains response to this :(

  5. I found this site looking for information on prostitution addiction. I am a male that was sexually violated, and in the last few years have had a couple periods where I have engaged with escorts found online. I have been able to address my issues with drinking, but have realized I still have a pull towards this behavior with escorts. I have not crossed the line into actually going through with any of this while sober, but fear the pull. I think there are so many issues tied up in what happened to me and the alienation it created. I don't see this as a good way to be as a person and am going to try and address before I do any more personal damage and feel more shame over how I may be using others.

  6. Please do not shut up, and if writing helps you deal, then by all means keep on writing! If enough "good people" do something, perhaps one day you will not only survive, but thrive.

  7. I know what you went threw but not becouse I went threw it, my aunt worked the streets. I saw her vanish for months at a time. A lot of nights she would just show up hiding and crying. Once we were woke up by her hiding behind the head bord of the bed. She tried to be as honest as possible to why she was on the streets but never honest about what happens on the streets. She would come home every so often with injurys once had a slick bald spot from jumping out of a car, anouther she had a gash in her arm from blocking a hit to the head with a shovel. I loved her every one loved her except the men that bought her time or stold her time. She was honest sweet tough 10 foot tall even though she wasn't even 5 ft . Tryed over n over to break the chains but Mabey the chase was as addictive as the drugs that some one cursed our family with. One night after a few months of being clean she walked out the door n was found in a empty parking lot with 15 knife wounds in her back. She died n broke every heart that loved her that knew her pain but could never know all of it. Her youngest daughter went back to school n instead of condo lenses she herd comments about her mother being a prostitute like she wasn't a human. Instead of calling Emma by her name the news prefers to her as a Toledo north end prostitute . My point is she was a women with problems bigger than her, heart broke, desperate but to us strong perfect, n ours. U be proud of who u r. And who u were. Becouse it's big u made it out. Fuck the oscars! You deserve to have your named called for a life time achievement for making it. N breaking it .... Thinking of u today!

  8. Bless you! I'm sorry about what happened to your aunt - and how the newspapers handled it. It's great to know she had a niece as supportive and understanding as you though.
    Your closing comment made me smile :-) Thanks!
    In solidarity
    Angel x

  9. Hey,
    Thank God you wrote this! I know exactly how you feel. I've been getting better, and things keep looking to get better, but I still feel tied by my past. It can still hurt like it just happened last night. I always expect the worst of people, It feels like I can't trust anyone. I also don't cry in front of people, but I end up shaking uncontrollably. My whole body just shakes no matter what I do. I also know the pain of loneliness all too well. It hurts, it really hurts. Anyway, keep it up! And no! Never. Ever. Shut up.

  10. Thanks for writing :-) In solidarity
    A x

  11. Thanks for writing. Your words are very insightful. Although I do not share your experience, I have come to learn how hurtful and damaging the sex industry is. My husband is a sex addict. We are both seeking help, but I am ashamed to admit that I greatly minimized the harm this exploitation causes until it struck my life. All the best in your recovery. Please keep writing.