Monday 12 March 2012

PTSD and The Prostitution Trap

There have been times when I have thought about going back to prostitution. It felt to me, at times, inevitable that I would end up back there, as messed up by it as I have been and remain, with PTSD that makes everyday life almost impossible, with insomnia, when the splitting is frequent and time loses its meaning, when even being in a room with someone is too scary, too much. When things have been at their worst, I have felt any possibility of attempting ‘normal’ life to be laughable, and I have known the one place where I could go where I would be absolutely normal, where my fucked-upness would be not merely permissible but actually required. Prostitution. As a little girl I didn’t dream of one day growing up and having men fuck me for money. I don’t believe many little girls do. But we acquire damage on the way and end up there, getting more damaged day by day, desperate to get out, sometimes too damaged to get out, or out and sometimes too damaged to stay out.

I have had PTSD for more than a decade. It began with the violence of my ex, and continued throughout being pimped and then prostituting myself. Incapacitated by it, I struggled to speak or even move at times: I simply froze up. As the abuse continued and worsened, over time, the trauma continued to leave its record on my mind and body, layer on layer. My reactions to situations, from an outside perspective, might have seemed, probably still seem, at times, a little strange or unhinged. Sometimes in the face of extreme violence, I’d laugh: out on the other side of terror, a kind of hysterical ‘bring it on’. My different ‘heads’ – I remain fragmented – manifest quite differently. Or so I am told – I don’t always know. Difficulties with memory combined with splitting mean that I can lack continuity in relationships. I might react to the same situation very differently at different times, according which head I have on.

I never have gone back to prostitution. Even when it has felt inevitable, all I’m good at, when I’ve felt I’d never get any better and that I might as well get it over and done with rather than having it hang over my head – even then, I haven’t gone back. The reason? I couldn’t do it sober. The memory of the horror of what it would mean stops me. I have enough clear thinking even in those bleak times to realize that while things might not get any better, they could get a lot worse by going back. Hell, they would get a lot worse if I went back. Similarly, I have contemplated suicide when things have felt really black in recovery. In truth, I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t know how to live. I don’t want to go back but I haven’t known how to go on.

The help available out there to women who have exited prostitution is woefully inadequate. I have found it to be practically non-existent. The first hope I got was stumbling across the Object website (www.object.org), a UK movement against the objectification of women. I wrote to them, telling them my story and they wrote back. I couldn’t believe they took the time to write back! My attempts at accessing help elsewhere, at finding people who understood, who gave a shit, even within the mental health profession, had hitherto been unsuccessful. From my dialogue with Object, I gained a little confidence and started the blog, a big part of my recovery. I knew I wasn’t totally on my own, and had begun to be able to articulate some of what had happened to me, in print at least – it remained largely unspeakable. But I still lacked any face to face help. I needed someone who knew me, to whom I wasn’t anonymous, to see at first hand the different heads, the frozenness, to spend time with me and get to know me so that they could understand me and what it’s like to be me, and help me to move forward.

The last 6 months have seen that change. I am now seeing a therapist who listens rather than telling me how it is, who checks out if he’s getting things right and who I find myself able to trust. And I have a sponsor who I also trust enough to talk to about this stuff, which is immense – the power of a twelve step programme is that help isn’t confined to office hours and care isn’t on the meter. I have people I can sit down with and try and talk to about my past and work it through.

Now I have help, now I can talk to someone, I feel for the first time that I won’t have to go back. Prostitution is a trap, and simply having exited is not enough to stay safe. The mental trauma it causes serves to make women who have survived it incredibly vulnerable to going back - not because we want to (you can hear the johns rubbing their hands, gleefully saying see! They love it really!) but because in a society which has swallowed the lies and language of the sex industry, there’s quite simply no place else to go.

Things are hard right now. The PTSD’s bad: at night I keep the light on, bedroom door locked and wedged, and I sleep very little. I’m processing and re-living, body and mind. When I was pimped, it wasn’t safe to relax: I was always alert, always watching for the next danger, trying to stay a step ahead. Or I’d be dissociated, or numbed from the drugs and booze. The abnormal relationship between body mind and me is taking time to unknot. But I am so grateful to have help. I’ve done a lot of things alone of necessity, but carrying this stuff alone was impossible and made me incredibly vulnerable to going back. Things are moving, and that’s good, even if it’s painful. It’s not possible to change the future without disturbing the present, and I want a future that’s as far from my past as the east is from the west. I used to be a prisoner, locked up, beaten up, and told to shut the fuck up. Now I am free. Like a battery hen released for the first time from the confines of her cage, the mental cage can still confine me. It’s going to take a little sorting, a lot of patience and a whole bucket load of love for my head to catch up. Then I shall fly!

28 comments:

  1. Your blog is powerful. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  2. Are you sure you want to be seeing a male therapist? How would he have any real understanding about what women like us go through...?

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  3. I guess it's different horses for different courses. I find it easier talking to a man... I did see a female therapist for a while, but it didn't work out: she used to sit with her shoes off, massaging her feet, crying. The male therapist I now see is compassionate but more constructive, he listens and he seems to have a better understanding of me than anyone I've seen before. I've also seen an unhelpful male therapist. So for me it all boils down to the individual therapist - there are good and bad whether male or female - and what works for you. It's taken me a long time to find someone I feel comfortable talking to!

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  4. A male therapist really helped me -- he changed my life. So glad you found someone you trust. This post is so diamond brilliant. You are amazing. All my love,

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  5. You shall fly -- I can feel it -- I can see you soaring. xoxoxo

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  6. I'm so grateful to you for the way you beautifully articulated this:
    Sometimes in the face of extreme violence, I’d laugh: out on the other side of terror, a kind of hysterical ‘bring it on’.

    I did the same thing-- laughed at terror, and also sometimes laughed when I was trying to describe to other people the violence I'd experienced. And like you, the feeling was 'bring it on' or 'I can handle anything.' This kind of laughter is an important marker for someone going through extreme trauma. Some counselors, will say "you think that's funny -- why are you laughing?" But we don't think it's funny at all, we're laughing at death, what else can you do when you're in prostitutioin?

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  7. Reblogged:
    http://survivorsconnect.wordpress.com/2012/03/15/493/

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  8. Angel your story is so moving. You have been through so much and this just shows how strong of a person you are. I know you are seeing a therapist but if you want some extra information about coping with ptsd I recommend visiting http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-nd. I hope this is helpful. I wish you all the best!

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  9. I was just introduced to your blog today. Thank you for your honesty! I pray your wings get stronger each day. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

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  10. I have been looking everywhere...for some kind of help with my ptsd from when i prostituted. I can never seem to get it out of my head no matter what i do /say/think..ect...

    I am finding it very hard to agree with alot of things in NA so i am trying Celebrate Recovery. I would really like to find something that deals with prostitution more specifically....Reading your blog has helped me understand that i am not alone and that others have gone through with what i had (obviously) so this helps to read what you have written. Thankyou very much ! I hope you are doing better with your PTSD . If you know any chat sites where i can get some help...or any other girls that have been through this...it would make me very happy to hear some other experiences so i could gain some knowledge..or any other places i could go for help!! THANKYOU!
    cindymichelle89@yahoo.com

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  11. Thanks so much for your comment. You could try Survivor's Connect Network which is a network of exited prostitutes. Stella Marr runs it and is really lovely. Or antipornography.org I found quite helpful in not feeling isolated.
    Hope this helps and all the best with your journey,
    in solidarity

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  12. I keep searching the web for help for PTSD from prostitution and there is simply none out there. By reading this article I felt in this moment that someone understood and that's all I want. Someone to understand and care. I have PTSD from prostitution and some days are hell. Thank you for your blog.

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  13. Thank you so much for your comment. You're not alone! Finding help for me was trial and error because there's so little understanding of what prostitution actually means for us women. I hope you find someone you can trust who is willing to understand and can help you with the bastard that is PTSD :-)
    In solidarity

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  14. I'm Praying for you.
    A while back, I had watch a documentary on human trafficking. It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to do something about it and you are right there is very little help out there. I don’t know how to help or even what to do.
    I’m so sorry for what happen to you, The people here real do care for you.
    And God really does love you

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  15. i dont even have the words to say what reading this did for me. i have been out for 6 months and being a trick was all i knew how to do since 17. now i have a son and i am out, working a "real" job in a restaurant ( my first job!!!) but NOBODY knows . i have some girls in a support group but i had no idea there were others besides the group i know of which is christian based. i just want to be free of these terrible noightmares and body flushes of fear. i didnt even think about ptsd. i never thought i could be "allowed" to have a "real" problem like that. ive been thinking its just what i have to deal with, that this is just how "normal" feels. please keep writing, please keep telling the truth. i need it. we all need it.

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  16. Thanks so much for this, Anon. Sounds like you're doing magnificently under difficult circumstances. I am also in my first job since I exited and I sometimes have to pinch myself to remind myself they don't know where I came from. It sometimes feels like I'm living a double life - I think I'd find it tough without therapy.
    Nightmares and flushes of fear definitely aren't something to just be put up with - they are PTSD symptoms. I thoroughly recommend therapy - just be sure to get a good un! They will help you see that it was the situation you were in that was mad and fucked up, not you. The PTSD symptoms are a sane reaction to the madness. Talking the poison out is a must, and with someone who won't normalise what you went through - prostitution is not normal - but realises how damaging it was.
    Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
    In solidarity
    Angel

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  17. Thank u for your story! Im pretty sure I have PTSD as well... Not necessarily from prostitution, mostly from a very manipulative ex, who always needed "help" I made a huge mistake of moving in with him. Paid his mortgage, household expenses, every dinner on me. All the while he became very close "friends" with a girl who I knew he was cheating with, but because I was so invested in the dude I became stuck. I was very unhappy, daily panic attacks, always in tears, I developed a slew of health problems (likely stress related), constant thoughts of wanting to beat up the girl or hurt myself. I was so confused I'd get in my car and drive around the city for no reason. Only shopping and eating ever distracted me. I finally moved out I was depressed and empty. Here I was a beautiful, caring, loyal woman in my early 20's and all men wanted to do was use me, opress me, and take my money. Had I not been in that horrid relationship, and just escorted I think would have been a-ok. I felt suckered more that anything. In the end I did save enough money to open a small business and the only thing that kills me is how that b@stard robbed me of so much money that could have helped remove me from working earlier!
    I think most working girls suffer from being repeatedly used for money and pimped more than anything. They look back on all those clients and it really was rape not "paid rape" since they gave it all to their man and that reminder drives many to the loony bin... 99.9% of pimped out working girls have zero to show. Oh and guess where 99.9% of the beatings come from? Not clientele.

    Funny though u ladies mentioned the "laughing when inappropriate" thingy lol I DO THAT TOO!

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  18. Thanks for your comment, Anon :-) Great to hear you got out too.

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  19. Im a 19 year old male and during my teen years would give oral sex for drugs and money but ended up getting raped. Does it take long to get rid of the guilt? What about the nightmares?

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  20. Hi there, thanks for your comment. I've found that healing from this stuff is a slow process. I go through better and worse patches. My everyday life has become more normal , with stable routine, which helps. At those times when I feel completely dissociated I just carry on going through the motions - it's the safest thing for me to do - until it passes. Nightmares again come in patches. For me I think sometimes it has to do with what I'm talking about in therapy, and if anything's happened in the day to trigger stuff. They reckon sleep's a great way to process stuff so I think maybe some of it's that.
    I don't struggle with guilt on the whole, although I do beat myself up for 'colluding' with them. In reality, though, I did what I had to do to stay safe, and I'd defy anyone to do 'better' in the circumstances. From what you wrote, it sounds like you did what you had to do for the drugs and money. Addiction isn't really a gateway to open choices. I hope you're safe now, wishing you all the best in your recovery. Hang in there! It does get better, in time.
    In solidarity
    Angel

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  21. Thank you for this blog! I first delved into the escort business when I was nineteen years old at the urging of an older female friend. My first night, I had my first panic attack. It was one of the most negative experiences of my entire life.
    I went back to it again at twenty and twenty nine years of age.
    I am now thirty seven and am just now beginning counseling to understand both the causes and effects of those choices.

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  22. Thanks Annie :-) All the best with the counselling.
    Take care
    Angel x

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  23. you are very brave - bravo

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  24. Hey Angel K. I have been reading your blog for a couple of days now, you are a very good author in that you convey your feelings so clearly to your reader. I guess this comes from the fact that all your posts are so raw and personal. I have to say, I am appalled and surprised because ive never heard if such a view from pornstars. In documentaries and interviews they act like they're living the life. Personally I always thought it was degrading and painful but that's not what the women in the industry say....

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  25. Thanks for your comment, Dawn. Women who are still in the industry aren't at liberty to speak the truth about what that means for them. I know quite a few women who have got out who tell a different story, of pain and shame. The drink, drug and suicide statistics for 'pornstars' speak for themselves.
    Best,
    Angel

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  26. Reading this helped me I'm newly sober. And I can relate I often have reoccurring dreams. About what I used to do but it feels real. And I never want to go back to that. It was a dark and twisted world you gave me hope

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  27. Great to hear from you :-) Wishing you all the best in your recovery - be good to yourself.
    Angel x

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  28. charisse blazejak26 October 2014 at 15:58

    Wow, I almost thought I was reading my own story for a moment there. I'm a survivor of prostitution. I have been out for years but I still struggle with being a whole person again. Ptsd has kicked my butt so hard. I completely understand everything you wrote. I have never gotten help before, I have tried to heal on my own, but it's not working very well. Thanks for sharing your story I know I'm not alone in this.

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