Tuesday, 10 January 2012

How to Have Sex Like a Hooker (oops, I mean 'Pornstar')

Just a few tips I learned along the way, my experience of being used in pornography when I was pimped, and from a little research into the experience of other survivors of porn and prostitution. Oh yeah, and P.S., pornography is prostitution, in spite of the arbitrary line society chooses to draw: someone, be that the woman, her pimp or her agent is paid in exchange for the use of her body. Thus buyers of porn are johns, albeit one step removed, though they wouldn't like to be called that. Strange really, such sensitivity to words given the words used about the women in the porn they buy.

Anyway.

So, you're curious about having sex (definitely not making love) like a 'pornstar' (hooker)? Some handy hints:

- Disregard your body and its pain. Remember: this is not about you, it is about the johns and what they want to see, the men fucking you and what they want to do, and the men behind the camera and how much money they want to make. Your body is merely the vehicle for the sexual kicks of others, no matter how painful or perverse. As 'Buttman' John Stagliano put it, 'pleasure and pain are the same thing, right?' (1) . I guess that's empathy out the window.

- Expect to be humiliated. Much of the pleasure the punters take is from seeing you degraded, whether that be a cum facial, what they say to you (slut! whore! cunt! Say you're a cunt), or when they slap you or spit on you or do delightful stuff to you like ATMs and worse. That stuff that pro-porn peeps sometimes say about respecting the women in it for their choice to do it? BS all. They don't respect you one bit and the guys working you over won't either.

- View yourself from an outsider's perspective - a pornographer's perspective, a john's perspective. That's why you're here. Their attention's focussed largely between your legs, hence the close-ups. Oh yeah, and boobs and mouth have their uses too. That's where your value lies: in your availability to be used. Think they're bothered about how it feels for you, if you're in pain? There's no place for consideration when the camera's rolling and the johns are waiting, cheering on acts of aggression as a 'get even' with the women they can't have in their lives.

- Penetration, penetration, penetration. That's where it's at. If it can be done, someone'll want to see it, no matter how extreme. Vaginal, anal, oral... Now anal's become mainstream, the push is on for the next innovation, and your body's about to be tested to its limits, not thrilling but risky and painful, life and death. As one porn director, Mitchell Spinelli put it, 'People want more. They want to know how many dicks you can shove up an ass... It's like Fear Factor meets Jackass. Make it more hard, make it more nasty, make it more relentless.' (2) Endurance is the number one qualification you'll need here: this is not about loving sex and being proud of your body like they tell you in the magazines. Think it'll be an exciting sexual experience? Think again. We're talking prolonged rough fucking, every way possible risking tearing, being bruised so badly that sitting down hurts, and shitting blood afterwards. And they'll use anything, not just their cocks - objects or fists, anything they can force inside you. You are a set of holes to them, money to them, the more extreme the act the more they'll make. Hard to see the human when you have dollar signs in front of your eyes.

- Be prepared to thank the men abusing you, to ask them to hurt you more, fuck you harder. The physical assault's not enough: they demand to know, for the benefit of the guy sitting at home jerking off, to get him off, that you're loving it. We're treating her nasty, and the little slut can't get enough! Or some audiences want to know you're in pain, so be ready to cry. You might not be able to help that, anyway, don't beat yourself up for that, you don't know what you'll be up against, that the strongest resolve is no defence. They have a way of breaking you, shaming you, hurting you 'til your eyes water. And don't forget to say thank you like a good girl when they're done, and present to the camera: they want to see that damage!

- Lay aside any notions of choice, empowerment or control. What they say goes, to avoid more off screen violence. Obedience is demanded: they have the power, your body is their playground, to do to as they wish. No matter how aggressively they treat you while the camera's on, be aware it can and does get a lot worse when it's turned off.

- And finally, take and use anything that you can get your hands on to numb you out, to lessen the pain, mental and physical. What's going to happen will happen with or without your consent, whether you struggle or don't, whether they have to beat you or threaten you first or not. Your body is here, and it's going to be sorely misused. The best you can do is get yourself as far away as possible, whatever that takes. Drink, drugs, dissociation. That's it kid, I'm afraid that's your only weapon: you're on your own out there.

Don't confuse the lies about women in pornography being empowered or respected, being 'stars', it being a thrilling glamorous job, or anything about enjoying sex, liberating sex, with the reality. Pornography is all about money and power. Women's bodies are the means to the end, which is someone who has power over her getting rich by selling her, images of her abuse, and someone getting off on it. Maybe if they knew a little more of the reality, people would be less keen to have 'sex like a pornstar', or to emulate the dynamic of abuser and abused that we call porn.

(1) Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity, R Jensen, Southend Press, 2007, p117
(2) Ibid, p70

27 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing. What you say is so important.

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  2. Angel, this is so fearless, honest, and brilliant. How I wish you didn't know what it's like, but I know your words will reach people and make them understand the truth about prostitution. Loads of love always xoxoxo

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  3. I've reread this at least four times already -- it's so so necessary. Thank you.

    XOXOXO loads of love always

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  4. Angel, I can barely breathe. Your words are brutal honesty, writing of what are only pictures in my mind of what happened to me and how I felt - if that is even a feeling. I was sold into that ugliness many years ago by my husband and have yet to actually voice but a few. Brainwashed and conditioned to accept that the ugliness is not real are the worst thoughts and memories to conquer. Naideen

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  5. True, true, true... Thank you for your courage to speak out on the realities of the sex industry. I was not in porn but was prostituted for over 2 decades. So many parallels. While I have never seen the two as different I can not speak first hand on the abuse that is porn but I certainly can on prostitution. and I do.... thanks Angel K

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  6. Perhaps most men want their partners to make love like porn stars.

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  7. Maybe they do. But do we want to give them that? Maybe we should be educating both men and women who think sex like a porn star is the best sex that it isn't, that there's a better way which involves real intimacy and respect rather than the right moves and noises.

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  8. I was saddened by the fact that this is what women in the sex industry endures. I am a straight guy, and I do have a girlfriend for more than eight years and still counting. I do disagree in mistreating women and torturing them. For me, sex should be partnered with intimacy, trust, and respect. As a guy,I am deeply sorry for what other guys are doing. I truly apologize.
    I believe in this wicked philosophy - a guy has two heads. The bigger one should be the one to rule other the other, although the request of the smaller cannot be ignored. Simply put, guys should always use their inner control and intelligence in sex matters, and not just grab any girl and f*ck her as if she's just a toy.
    As Immanuel Kant stressed out, human should always be treated as ends rather than means.
    May you all be safe and be well ladies.

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  9. Thanks for your comment, Jan Carlo. It's so great to hear from a man who doesn't buy into the sex industry BS and instead values intimacy and respect. Cheers for taking the time out to write.

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    1. If you want men who don't buy into the sex industry, I know of a place you can visit.

      www.reddit.com/r/nofap

      It's a place where men try to quit their addiction to PMO (Porn-Masturbation-Orgasm). I came across this from a post on there, as a matter of fact. I hope you'll visit, and perhaps speak out on there so that more people can see this post and the message in it. As someone who considers himself to have 'quit' permanently, I know it can be very hard to stay motivated against withdrawal symptoms, and there are many people there who I'm sure would be extremely appreciative of your perspective.

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    2. Thanks for this, Anon. Have just checked it out - not heard of it before. Great to hear from someone who has quit 'using' porn :-)

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  10. This article opened up my eyes i always thought women in porn loved what the are doing. women in the porn industry really miss lead men in our society because men these days feel that having sex like a porn star will satisfy their partner and this cause conflict in relationships. women should be treated with lots of love,romance and respect that is what satisfy a woman.In contrast women some time like to be treated ruff but it should be done with all respect of having good sex.

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  11. Wow! Your words are powerful, heard loud and clear and a lesson learnt about the sex industry and its customers.
    Thankyou for such an honest view of it all!

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  12. this was good but I am lost. A lot of women will act like the women in porn though so it's a catch 22

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  13. I think there's a weight of expectation on women to feel they should act like and look like pornstars, and it's something a lot of women have internalised. They say the clearest sign of oppression is when the oppressed class take upon themselves the imposed judgments and values of the dominant class. In my experience, a lot of women are scared to be honest about their sexual experiences and what they'd like to say no to - they may feel they won't get a man if they don't do certain things or behave a certain way, or he'll cheat or use porn if they don't say yes to everything. The prevailing (and wrong) view that men 'need' more partners and a constant sexual outlet makes it hard for women not to try to be everything to their man - pornstar included.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this story! I was a women who wanted to please my man and act like a porn star for him. And I would also think badly about these girls. I would think why are they degrading themselves like this and now I know they never had a choice, I thought they were enjoying it but now I know the truth. I also know what my husband and I do is make love and we get wild yes but there is a respect and we do love each other. I realize now he doesn't need/slash want this. Thank you for the truth! And much prayers to you and many other like you who are struggling this battle

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  14. Thanks a lot. It's really pathetic to see how deeply ingrained the culture of porn is, in our society. I always try to treat my girlfriend with respect. But based on her past experiences and people around her, she is confused as to whether it is my lack of interest in her. She is such a great person with amazing potentials in life, but has this insecurity that if I am not obsessed with her body and don't have this urges to dominate her and have 'my way' with her from time to time, she probably is not 'good' a.k.a. hot enough enough for me and I am most definitely fantasizing about someone else while I am with her or even sneaking around behind her back.

    I am having a hard time explaining and instilling confidence in her that she is a great individual and is strong enough to survive independently even if I or any other guy is not with her and that she does not need to lower herself by presenting her as some type of object to anyone. Maybe I need to delve a bit deeper into her past relations and family background to grasp the origin of he problem. Nevertheless, it a great read. Will make she goes through this one. Thanks again
    -Ansel

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  15. Thanks, Ansel. It's always great to hear from men who don't buy into porn culture. It's confusing as a woman living in porn culture: on the one hand, the logical (and right!), pro-equality voice that says 'what a load of tosh! I'm not buying into anything so degrading and clearly false', on the other the voice of insecurity, knowing that porn culture and thinking prevails and feeling like 'in order to have a relationship with a man, I need to act a certain way (like a pornstar) and his treatment of me (like a pornstar) will show he's into me because like it or not that's what men want these days'.

    I've struggled with similar thought processes to your girlfriend and that's inspite of my views / experience of the realities of the sex industry and all its BS. Growing up on a diet of women's magazines etc it's hard not to come to the conclusion that in order to keep a man interested in you, you must be and do anything and everything sexually to please him. It's rarely stated that if something makes you uncomfortable, you just don't do it. Instead, there are 1001 suggestions of how to 'improve technique' or (as with anal sex) get your body used to it.

    Luckily, not all men subscribe to the politics of porn! As you say, confidence is a major factor here - and trust. If you've been hurt before by partners using porn (and lots of women have) it's very hard to trust that things could be different this time. Particularly when almost anyone you may have spoken to about the hurt will tell you that porn's no big deal, that it's normal, all men use it and you should get used to it. Your problem, not his!

    I can't speak for your girlfriend but I have found it very hard finding a way to be, sexually, that isn't porn derived and feels comfortable - but still sexy. A way to be me. And to understand that my relationship with my partner is about so much more than sex, that it's not a rejection or the sign of something wrong with me that he treats me with respect and doesn't just want to fuck me. Hard in a culture obsessed with female genitalia to think someone might want to look you in your eyes instead and treat you as an equal, not territory to conquer and cum over.

    All the best!
    In solidarity
    Angel

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  16. This article best describes today's world mentality and exposes everything abnormal in our society.Women are degraded to such an class that even animals feel they are superior to women. Porn & prostitution has degraded women to filth and men have always thought of women as object to be abused to any extent.It's us men who have to change our perspective towards women which are mother,sister,child and wife who always suffer male dominated society of filth and disrespect.Your article best describes today's porn filled society.
    Bless you Angel K

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  17. I found your blog through reddit's nofap forum, of which I am a part of in my attempts to stop PMO. What you've written is an eye-opener even for someone like me who senses that the porn industry is not all the glamour that it is, and yet still continue to patronize (though more out of a struggle against a habit nowadays rather than the eager I once was involved in it). All I can say is, thank you for your honesty and courage. I imagine that this puts your life in danger.

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    1. Cheers for reading and for taking the time out to write. Stick with it! (quitting porn I mean) Life without porn is so much fuller and richer than the narrow thinking of the pornographers could ever be.

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  18. It's unfortunate that you had to go through this kind of treatment. I'd always had my suspicions about the porn industry. I'd always thought to myself that there's no way that could feel good for the woman, especially going off what various partners have told me. I'm glad I'd steered clear of even attempting to replicate porn-sex in an actual relationship.

    I thank you for your bravery in revealing the true conditions women in the porn industry often suffer. I know it mustn't have been easy, both publishing these revelations and going through them in the first place. I hope you find yourself in more comfortable or favorable conditions these days. Stay safe.

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  19. Thanks for writing, JaMaAuWright

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  20. Porn's a choice. If you don't like it, don't do it. It's not slavery.

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  21. Um, I think you kind of missed the point there. Porn wasn't a choice for me - that's what the whole blog's about. I was pimped. A lot of women are. That's slavery and it's repeated rape and it's people making money out of unthinking johns sitting at home clicking away on their computers and jerking off.
    If you don't like what I say, don't read it! At least you have a choice.

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  22. Thank you for you written article, it really inspired my to realize that porn industry is just game who are fooling other people, the watchers and sadly the chosen ones who haven't the free will or richness to be born without being in the porn industry.

    Lots of thanks ~from Wishmaker aka dreamer~

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