I'm going through a rough patch at the moment. My head's full of past hurts, vivid images all tumbling one after another, a quick progression, intermixing, going round and round. Tauntings and beatings and humiliations and being laughed at and pain and shame and degradation and being used.
My head hurts and my body hurts in turn and together, one then the other, feeling and re-feeling the stuff going through my head. Muscles twang with tension and then ache with release. I'm living in a warzone.
Exhausted.
I can feel my trust going, feel my words going, feel my strength going. I feel incapable, defeated.
Everything's slipping away.
Everywhere I look, images of women as sex objects, voices justifying it, normalising it, singing praise of it.
Hurting me.
I've been here before, been through this before, I guess I'll get through it though the feelings tell me otherwise, the voices from the past tell me otherwise. They want me to give in. They nag at me, needle me, undermine me: what's the point? Did you think you'd ever make a difference you stupid fucking bitch? Stupid fucking bitch! Now shut the fuck up.
I will NOT be defeated. The truth simply can't be silenced. I just wish it wasn't so damn painful at times.
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Just keeping going is a way of defeating those who would watch you go down: the best revenge is living well. Although everyday is a struggle, it is a struggle that is worth every minute because you will reach a place of peace. Believe in that because it will happen. And if you can't know it for yourself at the moment, I will know it for you. Calm. Peace. xxx
ReplyDeleteHey Angel - I'm a fellow "lucky one", 51 yrs old now, in's been 30 years years for me.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to give you uplifting words, and instead sat here staring off into space...
I know how dark it gets - the only uplift from that comes from your deepest self. But that deepest self is there, and it's a fierce survivor-you already know that. You know that, not in spite of the pain, but because of it. You know how to do this, and you can.
It's a lifelong path you're on, terrifying and lonely. But don't give up, and keep reaching out. We, the "lucky" have teachings for the world, necessary at this point in time. We must be here for one another, voices in the darkness.
Visit my blog: www.barelycivilized.net.
If you want to connect, leave me a comment. Or maybe you'll get my email from this one here - feel free to use it.
Tell them I said,
ReplyDeleteyou make a difference to me.
merry chrismas,feliz natal ^_^! lot of peace ,hope and strenght for you ^_^!!! i hope next year we can start some activism agaisnt the monster rom the sex industry,it´s jst you loose your fears about me X3 hehheheh.All the best n.n!!!! bi hugs
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself sister in recovery!
ReplyDeletewww.sexworkersanonymous.com
http://yourvoicecounts.livejournal.com/
ReplyDeletePlease think about posting something.
It would mean a lot!
Your experiences are truly inspirational.
ReplyDeletehttp://whatsyourstory2.blogspot.com/
See if you fancy it?
Everything is kept compeltely confidential and every little helps!
x