I awaken, a tangle of confused thoughts and memories, of limbs and bedclothes. I feel the sweat trickling down my back, down my face. Soaking. The dream I was having is one of several, one of a rotation, a familiar set. These dreams...
They are a pushing out by my subconscious, a spewing out of matter pushed down and buried for my survival. When I dream like this it is a replaying, a reliving, of my past. It haunts me. The images may change but the scenario does not: I look down on a body, a body that belongs to me and does not belong to me, look down as my ex and the other men abuse it.
This body!
It may run but it can't outrun them, may resist but it doesn't stand a chance. Hopeless helplessness. My body. Me. I am the spectator, the voyeur, I am the fear and the shame, the pain and the terror. I am my feelings, in my body but too much, or else I am on disconnect, a floating mind, connected by the slightest thread.
I am and I am not.
Sensations so real in these dreams. Too real. Being touched and I don't want to be. Wanting to scream but nothing comes out. Trying to see but the darkness of a blindfold. Senses out of kilter, scent and taste and touch alive and overpowering.
My mind is letting in stuff, slowly, yes, but some of the blackouts, the gaps in memory, are being filled in. In all honesty, sometimes I'd rather not remember.
An image.
A sensation.
A snapshot.
Curiously, gloriously, split from my body, there but not there.
The pain and the darkness is a part of me, I choose not to live in it these days in recovery but I cannot stop it slowly leaking out of me, working its way out, the Unacceptable forging its way out. No amount of denial, no amount of distraction, will stop this. Unwanted? Yes. So painful my whole body aches with it. But necessary, absolutely. My body and mind healing themselves on a deeper level than I can understand. Being heard brings healing, being accepted brings healing, and I need to hear and accept myself.
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Not a frequent commenter because I check your blog sporadically but I really enjoy your writing.
ReplyDeleteOn the topic you wrote before I'd just like to say that I used to use pornography and I had thought this was harmless. It was blogs like your own that made me reconsider my viewpoint. Due to the way society is it is hard for a man to truly understand the females perspective on pornography but I think blogs like this do make a difference for many people (like myself) so keep it up.
Unfortunately the most obnoxious of my sex can be the most vocal. I am by no means perfect but I've tried to correct this by being more vocal in social situations.
Anyway thankyou for the writing, and keep it up!
Hi Angel, I just wanted to say how important your voice is and how important that it is heard. I work for a charity in the UK that reaches out to women caught up in prostitution and all to often feel the frustrations of ignorance. I loved your bit about 'choice' in your very first entry. Keep up the excellent writing...for you...and for other women who are still where you've been.
ReplyDeletewww.kairoswwt.org
You show grace and strength.
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