Sunday, 18 April 2010

Living with the Aftermath

I haven't written for a while... I've been struggling just to survive of late. The feelings and memories from my past have overwhelmed me and threatened to take me under.

I feel like I'm absolutely going through the wringer.

Fighting to get help, seeing the GP, ringing round to try and get a therapist, and battling, just battling so much with getting out of the house, with letting people in, letting people close enough to see me in my pain, as I am, shaking, crying, low.

It's hard to trust people when you've been so hurt by them, so letdown, in the past.

It's scary to let myself be loved, because it shows what happened to me so clearly as unacceptable. If I matter, if Angel matters, is worthy of love, then I can't try and keep the abuse at arms length anymore, can't tell myself any longer that it doesn't matter because I don't matter.

It means acknowledging and feeling just how hurt I was, am, by the beatings, by the violence, by the rapes and gang rapes, by being sold and photographed and filmed and used as entertainment, treated as less than human, for the pleasure of others.

It hurts.

So many images! So many flashbacks! Horrific, in graphic multicolour, in my head, in my sleeping and waking, my body aching and shaking and retching and reliving, as it tries to deal, tries to heal.

If sex industry defenders, defenders of pornography and prostitution, could only see inside my head, and see the pain and damage it has caused me, and continues to cause me everyday, 3 years later...

I'm afraid to even watch the telly because chances are, there'll be some humourous or flippant reference to violence against women or objectification of women.

I'm so scared . Just doing the only thing I can do and hanging on in there right now.


  1. Thank you for having the strength to speak out. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be a contrarian to 'liberal' views, especially with everything you have been through. Stay strong. The angels are on your side now.

  2. I saw you speak at Foyles and it was inspiring and so incredibly important for all women. Thank you thank you thank you. You are strong and brave. I wish you luck and love and peace.