Harmless Fun

When you laugh
at a porno movie
or sneer over a woman
in a porno magazine
You laugh and sneer at me,
at my pain
at my exposure and nakedness
at my humiliation.

You laugh and sneer without knowing
who I am
where I come from
how I ended up here.

Maybe I'm smiling.
You don't see that I have to
don't see the man holding the camera
ordering me to do all sorts
or else
and I know what that means.

You weren't there to see me vomit before it started:
the camera wasn't rolling then
a toxic mixture of fear
degradation
and alcohol
tumbling from my mouth
and they had other uses for my mouth later.

You don't feel the sickening pain
of soft membranes
forced open
and fucked
and fucked
and fucked
by one man then another
and object after object
my tearing, my bruising
all hidden from your eyes.

You didn't sit with me when it was finished
and see me cry
and cry
endless waves of despairing
that it had come to this
that I had come to this
the self loathing
the drugs and alcohol that trapped me there
and Him.

You weren't beside me when he beat me
and battered me
and made me
and then picked me up and stroked my hair
and told me sorry
maybe things could be different
if only I would change.

A smile can hide a thousand secrets.
Money can buy a thousand lies.

When you buy her
you buy me
and you pay him.
Knowing what you're paying into -
now maybe that's not so funny